What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 00:10
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Which movies have the best endings?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I have no regrets .
(And it was in our own minds.)
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Why did i forgive my father ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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Ive learnt so much.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was scared of men, in general
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It was going to be , some day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One cannot live in the past .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Who then, do I blame.?
What did i know ?
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was 9 years of age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He knew the spot.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I write beautiful poetry .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.
And i lived it daily.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
She wouldn,t have been !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I don,t even have a pension.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it wasn’t much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So, i spoilt her more .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Put me off passion for life!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i do to all so called friends.?
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was very sick at this time too.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When she asked me how she looked .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I think the readers, may guess!
Would this be the day?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was in good health!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
All the time i was locked up.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She married twice! .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I waited trembling.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We were not on the streets..
I was seconnd youngest,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She found it foreign!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She loved him until the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We all went to grammer schools
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My family never makes their pension either.